20 Questions

Is it the truth you speak? Do you mean it? Why does it feel so wrong to feel so right? Why do I know the ending at the start? Why do you effect me? Who are you inside? Do you do this intentionally? Do you truly care? WHY do I? Do you feel it? Do you need me, like I need you? Could you live without me? Can I live without you? Is your smile real? Is this feeling real? Do you know what you do to me with your kiss? Is there someone else? What am I to you? Is it worth it?

Don't ever call me again.

I told him not to call me again. What did he do? Called me. I wanted to make the pain and headaches go away. End it. Fast ... like a band-aid, right off. But, he had to call me. Tell me that's not the way he wants things to go. Made me realize that I'm a fucking dumbass. He cares. He really, really cares about me. He didn't want me out of his life. That makes me smile. Damn I'm so blind.

I strongly dislike the people that live above me. They don't want me smoking in my apartment OR in the fucking yard. It's like ... okay ... well I don't want you breathing ... and here you are STILL gasping for air bitch. Sorry .. a little resentment there. Plus they sound like herds of cows walking aimlessly above me. Who's got a gun?

Wow

I can't believe it's been as long as it has since I've last posted. I have moved out of my parent house, finally, into my own apartment in Ellsworth. I live less than a mile from work now. I'm REALLY happy here. I now only work 1 job, 6am to 5pm, Monday - Friday .... I like it, sorta. I was just a secretary, then the other girl in the office got fired, so now I'm everything. My boss doesn't plan on hiring anyone else, he thinks I can do it. I know I can do the work, but dealing with him is the only issue I'm not sure I can deal with.

Also at my job, I've met the most amazing man on earth. It's not everyday that I say that either. There's a problem with the situation though. He's legally still married, but separated from his wife. They are dealing with the paperwork and shit now ... in the mean time we are kind of 'hush hush' .... I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this. All my insecurities are hitting me like a fucking train. Once again, I'm wanting to run. Why? This man just rocks my world. I try so hard to trust him, to trust that he's not going to hurt me. I don't know if I can ever get close with someone ... I'm not sure I want to. Everything is going so fast. In the moments with him, I am the happiest I have ever been ... but when he's away I question everything. Question whether he's just using me for a rebound fling, or if he's going to go back with his wife or what's going to happen. My head is racing. Twice I've wanted to tell him to stop calling me and stop seeing me. Right now is a 3rd time. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to deal with life and maintain your smile, your cool, your strength. It's almost like I'd feel weak to be in love with someone ... and I can't be weak. I'm not sure what the fuck to do. Life is easy without this. It hurts to continue. It hurts to stop it. So what do I do??

Whatever. Peace out.