For All to See

20 Questions

2005-12-04T17:59:00.000-05:00

Is it the truth you speak? Do you mean it? Why does it feel so wrong to feel so right? Why do I know the ending at the start? Why do you effect me? Who are you inside? Do you do this intentionally? Do you truly care? WHY do I? Do you feel it? Do you need me, like I need you? Could you live without me? Can I live without you? Is your smile real? Is this feeling real? Do you know what you do to me with your kiss? Is there someone else? What am I to you? Is it worth it?

Don't ever call me again.

2005-08-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

I told him not to call me again. What did he do? Called me. I wanted to make the pain and headaches go away. End it. Fast ... like a band-aid, right off. But, he had to call me. Tell me that's not the way he wants things to go. Made me realize that I'm a fucking dumbass. He cares. He really, really cares about me. He didn't want me out of his life. That makes me smile. Damn I'm so blind.

I strongly dislike the people that live above me. They don't want me smoking in my apartment OR in the fucking yard. It's like ... okay ... well I don't want you breathing ... and here you are STILL gasping for air bitch. Sorry .. a little resentment there. Plus they sound like herds of cows walking aimlessly above me. Who's got a gun?

Wow

2005-08-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been as long as it has since I've last posted. I have moved out of my parent house, finally, into my own apartment in Ellsworth. I live less than a mile from work now. I'm REALLY happy here. I now only work 1 job, 6am to 5pm, Monday - Friday .... I like it, sorta. I was just a secretary, then the other girl in the office got fired, so now I'm everything. My boss doesn't plan on hiring anyone else, he thinks I can do it. I know I can do the work, but dealing with him is the only issue I'm not sure I can deal with.

Also at my job, I've met the most amazing man on earth. It's not everyday that I say that either. There's a problem with the situation though. He's legally still married, but separated from his wife. They are dealing with the paperwork and shit now ... in the mean time we are kind of 'hush hush' .... I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this. All my insecurities are hitting me like a fucking train. Once again, I'm wanting to run. Why? This man just rocks my world. I try so hard to trust him, to trust that he's not going to hurt me. I don't know if I can ever get close with someone ... I'm not sure I want to. Everything is going so fast. In the moments with him, I am the happiest I have ever been ... but when he's away I question everything. Question whether he's just using me for a rebound fling, or if he's going to go back with his wife or what's going to happen. My head is racing. Twice I've wanted to tell him to stop calling me and stop seeing me. Right now is a 3rd time. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to deal with life and maintain your smile, your cool, your strength. It's almost like I'd feel weak to be in love with someone ... and I can't be weak. I'm not sure what the fuck to do. Life is easy without this. It hurts to continue. It hurts to stop it. So what do I do??

Whatever. Peace out.

What's with Virgo's anyways????

2005-02-20T11:41:00.000-05:00

My new boss is ultra confusing. I can't read him. I don't like that. I can always read people, read what they're thinking, or know basically what's going to come out of their mouths next --- NOT with him. He's so like scattery. We'll be talking -- then he'll switch to super mean mode -- it's really weird. Plus he constantly watches me, analyzes me, and I can't tell if he's impressed or disgusted with what he's seeing. Holy frustrating. Hopefully over time I'll be able to figure it all out. I also hope he's happy with ME!!

Ass Sore

2005-01-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I start working 12 hour days. I hope I can do it. Hell I can do anything I put my stubborn mind to .. so I'll be alright. I feel like a pain in the ass tonight. I think mostly because at my new job, I don't know everything there is to know - so I have to ask questions. I never had to do that at my old job, because I was there for like 5 years. I'm a crazy person. Well I don't know if that's completely true -- but a lot of the time I feel like I'm in the way or I'm bothering anyone I talk to; like I'm a nuisance.
I'm starting in a couple relationships a new way -- with my gaurd down. Opening up to people from the get-go. One being with my new boss. We'll see how that goes. That's all I got in me tonight. Peace.

Holy slut.

2004-12-31T13:06:00.000-05:00

I took the personality test over again on OkCupid.com. I thought for sure they were right the 1st time ... which they were .. I'd say I'm a combo of both.

"Genghis Khunt" (Random Brutal Sex Master) We almost called you Brutus the Uterus. But we figured you wouldn't understand, and rightly so. We don't understand either. So you are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain--riding your way to conquest after conquest. Your sexual avarice is legendary. You've already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies. Your exact opposite: The Sonnet (Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer) Personality-wise, you're carefree and relatively easy-going. You don't plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the 'brutal' tag we've given you. But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you'll be fine. There's nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot. AVOID: The Slow Dancer CONSIDER: The 5-Night Stand, The Hornivore, The Playboy .

It suggests that I'm a little promiscuous. Hmmm .. am I that bad?? I hadn't thought so before reading this trash talking me. OH well. After all it's just a stupid website, right?? Well tonight's New Year's for all of those who live under a HUGE pile of rocks. I have no plans yet. I have 2 options I think. I know I'll be drinking. As for who with .. that's the mystery. Hope everyone has a good one. Peace.

Emotion

2004-12-25T16:58:00.000-05:00

I'm realizing now that I'm in a slight depression. I cry all the time for "no reason". I miss my only true friend. The guy I could say ANYTHING to. The guy that made me smile no matter how pissed I was. The guy who rocked my world. I see him now only like once a week for like 5 minutes a time. (For those of you that follow my pathetic life, he's one of the guys I worked with - who left). I'm driving along I hear a song that reminds me of him. I start crying. I have so much inside of me that wants to come out. But I have no one to talk to. I can't trust my so called "best friend" as far as I could throw her. And that's all I have. I just want to tell him little things, like how horny I am or how bad I hate where I'm living. I want to ask him how a certain outfit looks on me. Or listen to him bitch about someone in his life. He could go on forever about a subject if you let him. He helped me through so much. I have a huge void. I don't even feel like going out. I don't feel like myself. I opened up to him, NOW I'm paying the price. This is why I don't open up to everyone. I let my guard down -- see what happened. Although, if I could turn back time I wouldn't change a damn thing. I had a lot of fun with him. It's like I'm missing part of me. The happy part. The confident part. He helped me see the good in things. The good in ME. He was a Godsend. He broke my heart though. It hurts - I've never felt anything like it. I feel so alone. I AM alone. On a better note; I hope everyone got what they wanted for Christmas. I know what I want, but he wasn't under my tree this morning. I hope everyone is with family or loved ones. I would also like to make sure everyone is praying for the people fighting this useless war for fuckhead Bush. I've had Christmas without my dad because of war -- it's cold. So TONS of love this season & every season to the people who have loved ones at battle.

2004-12-24T23:46:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to all.

Money, money, money.

2004-12-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

I start my new job Jan. 5th. I told everyone at my current job that I will be leaving. They requested that I still stay on as part-time help -- I slept on it, and told them that I would love to. For the first 2 weeks at my new job, I will be working 10am - 6pm to train. Then I will switch to the hours of Noon - 8pm permanently This will be my full time job w/health insurance and the whole nine. Then from 8am - 11:30am, I will work at my current job. Approx 18 hours a week. I'll be making a hell of a lot more money than I am now AND I won't have to completely say goodbye to they guys I know and love so well. It's hopefully a win-win situation. I may tire during the week & have NO life -- but I do have weekends off!! My time at the gym will decrease immensely. I hope it's all worth it. My PT said that I need to come in a do at 60 minutes of cardio Saturdays & Sundays if I can't make it during the week. As far as my strength training, that's been a no go for the last 3 weeks. I gave up on that -- I started gaining muscle --- and I didn't like it. It was adding pounds on the scale and I can't make myself like it. I've decided cardio only -- and abs, for a while. I'm stupid for this decision, I know.

Co Pays suck.

2004-11-29T19:50:00.000-05:00

After sleeping away practically 6 days -- I decided I was sick. I woke up one morning with one eye suuuuper red and constantly dripping. I've had zero energy, sore throat w/white patches all up on it, I'm all stuffed up, I cough until my throat is raw AND basically am a useless piece of shit. SO I go to my Dr.'s today - and she tells me that I've got strep throat, conjunctivitus, and a sinus infection. Yay. Now I have meds to take and I will get BETTER!!! Yay. I can't wait. I haven't been able to go to the gym since last Monday, a whole week ago. Damn. Hopefully I'll be able to go tomorrow night. I have a new buddy I go to the gym with now. My old buddy now goes to Curves. Bitch. My new buddy is a guy - which kicks ass 'cause I compete with him now. Try to prove myself to him, I like it. I'm not dating him, he's a really good friend of mine is all.

During my week in bed, I watched some TV. I hate being a chick. I feel like I have to compete with ALL chicks. I always find myself saying "I wish I could have her stomach" or "I wish my tits were that perky". It sucks. I just wonder if I'm ever going to be happy with myself. You know those girls that EVERYONE looks at, including other women, who's just perfect. Makes everyone's head turn. I mean I can make heads turn, but I mean like in a 2 piece bikini walking across the beach perfect. I envy that. I've thought countless times about surgery. I'm way too much of a wuss for that. Someone's always going to be prettier than me or have a better body than me. I don't like that. I want to be perfect. I want to be a 10. Not just in my eyes, or my man's eyes, but in EVERYone's eyes. Magazine perfect. Is this normal? Do all 22 year old females want this??

My buddy at work that I talked about left on Wednesday. I already miss him tons. We were suppose to fuck before departing the company, but that never happened. We were really, really bad at work just wicked sexual. I think about him a lot, in fact even fantasize about him doing the things he told me he was going to do to me. Wednesday the last thing he said to me was, "Always remember, you've got KILLER legs"! "Ya, and I 'd like to wrap them around YOU", I said almost at a whisper. He flashed that smile of his, "I'd like that too" and the door shut behind him. A tear fell down my cheek. Sure, I'll see him plenty, but the sexual excitement we had won't be there. I keep thinking that maybe we'll escape into our fantasy someday, then I snap out of it AND I know it'll never happen. Maybe it's better that way??

Pig out.

2004-11-25T11:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Hope everyone can spend this holiday along with everyday with people that they love, and eat every goddamn thing in sight.

Thank you for calling .. Wait where am I???

2004-11-21T19:39:00.000-05:00

I got a call on Tuesday the 16th from one of the guys I work with, who I'm the closest with, he said he had 2 things he wanted to tell me. He said he had to tell me in private and that I needed to call him back when I was alone. So obviously, due to zero patience, I called him back within 10 minutes. 1st thing was that where is girlfriend works there is a job opening that he thought I'd be perfect for. He told me what they pay, the benefits, and all the pros & cons to the position. 2nd thing was that he was going to call in sick tomorrow to try out a new job he's interested in. He then proceeds to tell me about his possible new job -- and this job totally kicks ass. Ok - well I hung up with him. And it all hit me. I'm not going to be able to see him every weekday, 8 hours a day. I'm not going to be able to tell him what's on my mind. Talk about a guy that I'm seeing that's bugging me and ask him what I should do. I'm losing a friend. I have worked with him for 3 years, and I've just become so close to him. So this is going through my head, along with a job offer I can't refuse -- meaning I will have to say goodbye to not only 1 of the guys, but ALL of them. Blah. I mean I've worked for this company since I was 18. Since I was in high school. These guys have been there for me. They watched me lose all my weight, and "blossom" into what I am today. So I get a migraine. I want to put a bullet between my eyes, I think I would've if I had had a gun. The day passed. The next day I told our boss that he called in sick. He was such an ass about it. At that very moment I made up my mind, I'm going to try and get that job. Thursday I call the guy's girlfriend and told her that I would like to fill the position at hand. Friday I met with the owner of the company. He loves me. I'm in. I start Jan. 5. As for my buddy -- he's going with his new job as well. He starts Monday the 29th. Our boss still doesn't know he's leaving. That'll be a fun day. Oh wait, I have Monday off. Bummer.

Amazing Grace

2004-11-07T21:08:00.000-05:00

This week has been pretty tough. I brought my dog home on Monday! Which kicked ass. Except all week I had to sleep beside him on the friggin' cement floor! Anything for my puppy though. Anyways I took him back to the vet's on Saturday AM, and the Dr. took out the stitches & staples. He's almost in the clear. Almost. Moving along. On Friday night around 8pm, my 96 year old Great-Grandmother died. So this weekend I've been trying to assist my mother in the funeral, obituary, and burial service. I did take time to go out with some good friends of mine on Saturday night. We went bowling and played some pool, it was tons of fun. Then we, of course, went to the "Yard" and danced 'til 1ish. Today I went and helped a friend paint the inside of an apartment that needs to get rented out. I got paid to do it!!!! Very nice. That's where I was all day. It was something different to do -- so it was pretty fun. Tonight I made peanut butter fudge. I should use it to pick up men .. cause I make killer fudge. I've also been downloading songs for the funeral service, including Amazing Grace. These songs kill me. I'm out. Peace.

As the Fat Lady sings ...

2004-10-31T21:29:00.000-05:00

My well deserved vacation comes to a screeching halt as I type an entry this evening. Any day not at work is a good day. I had 9 good days. Yesterday/last night was definitely the best one of the week. You see earlier in the week - Wednesday - I had to take my dog to the vets for possible surgery. They took him in immediately. He's been in there ever since. He had an 8 pound fatty tumor on his stomach, so they had to do MAJOR surgery on him. Well his incision isn't healing well. They have it stapled shut right now, with a drain tube half sticking out. We tried to bring him home on Saturday AM, but he bled EVERYwhere. I can't explain how bad I feel for him. He's like what the fuck are you doin' to me bitch??? I fucking bawled like a baby when you take the candy away. He's been in my life since I was 12 ... and I guess I just thought he'd always be here. God - I never knew I was so attatched to anything. Which leads me to wonder -- how I really feel about people in my life. It's almost like I'm living my life loving people, but taking advantage of the fact that they love ME too???? Or that we may not share tomorrow together??? I think my deal is: I can't deal with people leaving --- so I rarely welcome them in. Saying goodbye is near impossible for me. SO ANYWAYS -- midweek to Saturday noon kind of sucked. Saturday PM was spent with a guy who seriously, on the real, kicks ass. But I'm not going to get all hyped up about him, again, because that's just asking for a harder fall. I'm so myself around him. Then Saturday late night/early Sunday Am, was spent in a drunken yay! Ever been in a drunken YAY?!?!? It rules. Well I guess I gots to get ready for the week ahead. *Yuck*. PEACE!!

Smoke Free = Stink Free

2004-10-24T15:51:00.000-05:00

Hey! So I quit smoking. I was talking with my personal trainer at the gym about how cardio makes it hard for me to uhmm breathe. He told me that I needed to quit smoking. Even if I just started with smoking less and less everyday as opposed to quitting cold turkey. Well that was Wednesday (Oct. 13) -- I smoked one that evening on the way home, and one the next AM on the way to work. And I then decided I wasn't going to pay a disgusting near 5 bucks for something that stinks, makes it difficult to breathe, increases your risk of cancer(s) AND other diseases -- did I mention it stinks?? Ya. So the guys at work said I didn't have it in me to quit. That I didn't have the strength to do it. I know it's reverse psychology -- but it works. I even went out last Saturday AND this past Saturday -- no smokes. I'm really proud of myself. It's weird though -- cause now I'm like sickened when I see others smoking. Oh well -- I guess I'm just glad that I quit now, after smoking for 9 years, instead of 29 years. YAY.

It's really weird having someone come up to me at a club saying "Are you Amanda Newey - 'Cause I met your ex-boyfriend -- he's my friend's friend". 2 chicks last night said this to me. Interesting. I guess it's just different, because I'm starting to get known in Bangor -- instead of up North where everybody knows you and when you last took a shit. It's all good, I think. Ya I was suppose to be going to Portland last night -- but my buddies had to watch the Red Sox. Totally understandable. Red Sox kick ass by the way!!! Well -- to anyone that actually checks in on my blogs, I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I'll try & work on that. :) Peace.

Drama SUCKS!!!

2004-10-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

Went to Barnaby's Saturday night. Wow. 1st off, let me explain this chick. She's a girl that's been dating/living with a really good friend of mine -- well up until recently .. they split up or whatever. Ok super .. so who does she call on to cry to??? Me. I've never have been a "friend" of hers. She all of sudden was calling me ever 2 seconds .. and basically it felt like she was trying to get in between my buddy & I. So anyways, she was at the club ... all up in my face .. wanting to know why I didn't return her calls and blah fucking blah. I told her to fuck off ... but she didn't. She kept being a CUNT. So I had to put her in her place, she FINALLY left me the fuck alone. Then .. this guy that I was "dating" was all up on me, which was alright with me, cause we were just dancing .. and that's all he's ever gonna get from me. So my friend I was with grabbed him and pushed him away from me. The guy went through the roof. Peachy. I had to babysit him from that point on. I guess other than all that -- it was a good night. Sweaty hot dancing. That's what I'm talking about. Single. Yay.

Here kitty kitty kitty ..

2004-09-30T20:11:00.000-05:00

Last night I spent like 2 hours chasing 2 kittens, that are 3 months old, around a house. Once caught, we put this go-away-flea gel on them, then had to comb it into their fur. Uhmm why did I volunteer to help do that??? Oh that's right, because I'm a kick ass friend. Anyways, I'm never getting a cat.

Why am I so damn cold inside. Like I've been beaten severely to the point that there's nothing happy in me. Hmmm .. not cool. Well, someday I'll figure myself out. Ya. That's it. Peace.

Honey I'm Home.

2004-09-28T20:23:00.000-05:00

Holy shit. I need out. Out of this fucking house. I'm going insane. Anyone who's ever wondered what the fuck is wrong with me, needs to walk a mile in my shoes while I'm here. It's just all fucked up. Guess I need to find someone to live with ... any takers??? Just playing. I know I HAVE to have a roommate, cause I know I can't afford it on my own. I also know that I cannot, no WILLNOT, live with a female. Males only. Whatever ... I'll probably be living here until I'm friggin' 30. Much like my useless brother. Yay. Moving on ... my life's the same. Been hitting the gym 85 times a week -- well that's what it feels like, it's actually 5 times. I'm getting pretty toned ... as I should be, as hard as I've been working. That's another thing about living here, I think I'm eating too much, and not enough of the right things. So that's NOT helping my body whatsoever. Blah. That's all that's on my mind tonight. I'm going to sleep. Peace.

I Miss You.

2004-09-23T17:28:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading some writings I had done up like this past summer. Most of it was about Ryan. The guy, in Lee, who I dated on and off for like 2 years. All I can say is, I miss him. I miss how happy I felt with him. How innocent things were. How he made me feel when we touched. I don't just miss him though, I miss all of them up there. Even Dolly. Yuck. Yeah. Moving right along. I'm sorta hanging out with this guy. I had a one night stand with him a couple months ago. Well it was suppose to be a one night thing, except I ran into him last weekend again. SO now we hang out. Like every night this week. Very interesting. I'm keeping my distance -- as I normally do -- but I'm thinking he'll be gone quicker than he showed up. Which is fine. He's cool shit to hang with. He's also helping me with some of my senses that I've been neglecting. Bringing back to the hearing impaired world. I like that. Ok. Well then. I think I'm out for now. Oh by the way -- I didn't get that job I sent the resume to. I suck. Peace.

Finally ...

2004-09-12T20:11:00.000-05:00

I finally did it! I sent a cover letter & resume to a company that is hiring. I'm really excited about it ... I have several friends that work for this same company, they think I'm in. But we'll see. I don't want to say too much about any of it -- but thought everyone should know that I grew some balls, and got out of my comfort zone and did it!! Yay. I'm out.

It's all about the Benjamins .. Baby

2004-09-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

So -- it's been a while. I haven't the slightest clue what happened. I was so excited about posting blogs on here, and then BOOM, it all kind of disappeared. I still really enjoy doing it. I don't know it's fucked. Last weekend was a blast for me, hope it was fun for everyone else too. I went and danced my ass of at, as some people would say, "The Barnyard". In fact, I fell on my ass in front of a fuckload of people. I was wearing a dress, which was up around my friggin' neck at that point. Smooth, very smooth. Ya. I stayed with a friend of mine, Andy, all weekend. His wacked out girlfriend and him live together now. They both JUST got out of divorces, and decided to move in together .. he already wants out. I don't blame him, she's way too much to deal with, especially fresh out of a divorce. Nasty shit. I'm NEVER getting married. OR having kids while I'm on the subject of life long commitments.
I am sending a company a cover letter & resume tomorrow via email. It's a software company that several of my friends work for -- and they recommended me to them and them to me. I'm really, really, really stoked about it. I would make 10k more a year, and it's in town here. Which means my ass can move out of here -- and I can remove myself from this small rut I'm in. That's my issue right now. Living here. I'm trying really hard to make the best of everything, as usual, but it's really fucking hard. I find I'm eating way more the I should be -- that MIGHT have something to do with the fact of everyone at this house calling me fat. Well, not everyone ... it may as well be. I know .. cry me a fucking river, right?? I'll be alright. So I guess this is it for tonight. I'll try to post more this coming week. I'm out.

Yay.

2004-09-02T21:33:00.000-05:00

I love smiles. People should do it more often. It makes other people smile. Then, before you know it everyone's smiling. Well that was exciting. Right?? No. I know it's bullshit. Eh, I can wish for life to be that simple. I can wish that when I smile at somebody ... they'll smile back. Not meaning a "I like what I see" smile either. I genuine smile. OK. That's all I got tonight. Oh -- I love life. Peace.

The Wild Rose

2004-09-01T17:47:00.000-05:00

The Wild Rose. " Random Brutal Love Dreamer". Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective. The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.
"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

Acccording to OkCupid.com .. this is me. The really, extremely scary thing, is that it's completely accurate. Sucks that a friggin' retarded little website can sum me up in so few words. Oh well. 'Tis life. I guess I don't have much too exciting to say tonight. Still trying to force myself to exit out of my comfort level, and get a new job. I know I need to ... soon.
***SOMETHING EXCITING*** I witnessed an car/bike accident at work today. A woman turning into our front parking lot, didn't see a motorcycle coming and turned right in front of the biker and the dude on the bike hit her. He flew off his bike and hit the side of the car with his body, and then flew into the middle of the road, which is where he laid for like almost an hour. Cops made the driver of the car take an OUI test. Drunk old hag. He had a compound break in is upper arm, which means his bone was poking out ... nasty shit. It's making my re-think my planned trip to Augusta this Sunday on the back of bike with a friend of mine. I mean that's fucking scary ... what if I were to go and end up in the middle of the street somewhere with random bones sticking out of my skin????? OR what if I just fell off???? But, what if we don't have an accident, and I have a kick ass time??? I guess I'll probably just go and live life. Good idea. Thought I was a little paranoid there for a minute, didn't ya?? Nah. I'm way too chill for all that. Maybe more later. I'm out.

So now you're my mother?

2004-08-30T17:18:00.000-05:00

Well this weekend was gay. Friday I hung out with my best guy friend/cousin, Freddie and his girlfriend Hailey. They came to Bangor to hang out with me. BUT I was suppose to be at a birthday party for a friend of mine's at the friggin' bowling alley. An ex of mine ended up going, and I didn't feel like dealing with ALL of that, plus I felt obligated to chill w/my cousin. I did end up stopping in to say Happy Birthday to Matt .. for seriously a minute. Then, on Saturday, was my baby cousin's 1st birthday in Lee. So I went to that .. and ended up having a few drinks, and well, couldn't really drive back down to Bangor to another party that I was suppose to attend. So I had several messages on my machine. A couple which were just retarded and not necessary. Like, "people are asking where you are, and I don't know what to tell them", and "I'd like to know where you are and wish you'd answer your phone" and "I'm worried about you". Fuck off. Like I need to report to you when I'm going to wipe my ass. Maybe I'm just blowing it all out of proportion, but that really burns me when someone's flipping out because I didn't tell them I changed my plans. I don't report to anyone. I'm not 12 years old. I'm fucking 22 and think I can make my own mind up and do what I wish. Moving right along ... I called a guy tonight who I haven't talked to in a few weeks? I just thought of him, picked up the phone, dialed his number .. he answered ... and we talked. Not about anything too important, but we talked. I dated him for a month or so. He's cool as hell. I miss him. More than I'd ever admit. Well I'm out.

Got you all hot and bothered ...

2004-08-29T20:00:00.000-05:00

"Goodies" By Ciara

My Goodies, My Goodies, My GoodiesNot my goodies!

You may look at me and think that I'm Just a young girl
But I'm not just a young girl.Baby this is what I'm lookin' for: Sexy, independent, down to spend it type that's gettin' his dough
I'm not bein too dramatic that's the way I gotta have it.

[Chorus]I bet you want the goodies.Bet you thought about it.Got you all hot and bothered.Mayb' cuz I talk about it.Lookin for the goodies Keep on lookin' cuz they stay in the jar Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh

[Verse 2]
Just because you drive a Benz. I'm not goin home with you.
You won't get no nookie or the cookies I'm no rookie. And still I'm Sexy, independent I ain't wit' it so you already know. I'm not bein too dramatic that's the way I gotta have itYou think you're slick Tryna hit But I'm not dumb I'm not bein too dramatic it's just how I gotta have it

[Chorus]

[Verse 4]
You're insinuating that I'm hot But these goodies boy are not Just for any of the many men that's tryna get on top.No you can't call me later And I don't want your number.I'm not changin' stories Just respect the play I'm callin'.
[Chorus (2X)] Uh...Yeah...Uh...Yeah Uh Uh Uh

This song might be kinda shallow to post ... but damn it fits me so well. It's got a hell of a rythym/beat to it ... Petey Pablo is in the remix, but his lyrics don't fit me quite as well. Ya. I heard this in my car today and had to post it. Peace for now. I'm out.

Do You Want It .. ?

2004-08-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

I bonded with my father tonight. That only happens like once every other month. I came home from work, and he was all asking me my opinion on what he should do with his truck, and asking me questions about glass and screens(told you I'm a pro),and laughing. I fucking made him laugh. I can't even explain how awesome that makes me feel. You see, my dad is cold. To anyone that knows me ... that's where I get it from. I completely understand him though, like he doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey with me for me to know he loves me. I'm not sure why he's that way. He just brush things off. Keep his cool. Nothing bothers him. I try to be like that -- but something always throws me off. I just don't get the part yet about how I'm suppose deal with really loving someone, who doesn't understand how I work. My best friend, for instance, knows how I am. Knows that I don't get emotional with her. If she tells me something tramatic -- it doesn't faze me, don't blink an eye. I'm like, well, cold. I'm not sure how one's suppose to deal with this. Or if I can make it go away, or if I want to. Hmmm... time will tell.

Jimmy. The son of the owner of the company I work for. I've been suuuper tight with him for like 3 years. His parents got a divorce a couple years ago. He's been in a depression ever since. He was really close with his mother, and she basically threw it all away for some random idiot. So Jimmy doesn't see her, nor does he want to. So -- he's been in and out of my life during his adjustments. In fact, he knew me back when I was fat, and so was he. He lost a shitload of weight, like me, and is ultra skinny now. My point being, he knows me quite well .. pre-hotness. Well, he called me tonight. I love talking to him, I'm so at ease. We just get along so well. We flirt like crazy. I think about what it would be like to take that next step with him. I wonder if he's thinking the same thing. I just want to kiss him one day. To see what's up. Maybe it would ruin EVERYthing. He's such a great person, he deserves the best there is out there for a woman. I'm certainly not it ..

Now what .. ?

2004-08-25T20:23:00.000-05:00

The company I work for is going to shit. I'm not sure how much longer I'll have a job there. Every week seems as though they take away another benefit. What the fuck. How am I suppose to get by anywhere else? That's like all I know. I've worked there for 4 friggin' years. The guys I work with are part of my life now. In fact, I've worked so long with all guys, I don't even know if I can work with a woman. Who the hell would want to?? Not I. I'm so scared to apply anywhere else, but it's my only option. My job kicks ass - I can smoke inside the building - swear - leave when I want - wear what I want - trust my co workers - and I'm a pro at what I do. I know so much about freakin' glass it's wrong. Ask me anything --- I dare ya. It's like all I know though, which is why I'm having a problem seeking another job. It's all fucked up. I'll be alright ... I always am.
I'm finally seeing results from working out almost every day at the gym. I'm really excited. I think I'm hooked. On the weekends, I usually don't go ... I feel like shit -- that's a sign that I'm hooked. I love it though, I feel so good about myself, and now I am looking better. All for the low, low price of 22 bucks a month, can't beat that shit. I'd really like to look like a swimsuit model, but that's a goal beyond MY reach. Maybe not -- but I'll stick with the small goals I have now, maybe with time.
I'm wicked excited about this weekend & next weekend -- I'm actually gonna be partying. Fuckin' right. Lately my weekends have been SUPER low key. It's cool though, I spent a lot of "me" time thinkin' shit over & over & over in my head. Quality time spent going insane. Makes sense. Right?
I'm out.

Up to Speed yet...??

2004-08-24T20:50:00.000-05:00

I think I gave ya'll enough background to at least get where I'm coming from .. or try to. There is obviously a lot I've left out of my past --- if something's important, I'll bring it up.
Alright, so I'm currently living back in with my 'rents. I had to move back here due to my stupidity with money. It's really cheap rent here. That's the ONLY reason why I'm here. I miss my freedom of living on my own. I lived on my own in Ellsworth for a year. I loved it, aside from the apartment was bug AND bat infested. Three million thumbs down. Then I moved in with my best friend in an apartment in Bangor. Oh YA - forgot to mention my best friend. 3 houses down the road from my house is where she grew up. We have known each other since we were about 3 years old. We decided to move in together.. BIG mistake. I hated her all while living w/her. I just wanted to her to back off me. It's like we're sisters. So living together is not the best arrangement for us. We stuck it out for a year .. and happily moved out. We're still tight though. I love her like a sister. She helps me through a lot.
Camp. In Lee, Maine. Hickville. Where I've spent every summer of my life. Where I lost my virginity and drank my 1st beer. Had my 1st love and lost who I was. I hung out there every summer through school. Just chillin'. I started hanging out with the other kids that lived up there year 'round. But somehow they're all like 2 years behind me. I graduated .. they're still in school. In stead of moving on -- I kept going up there. It started from just in the summertime, to every other weekend, to every weekend all year round, to every day. I fell in love with someone up there who is 3 years younger than me. Dumbass. I was driving from Lee to my work in Ellsworth, back to Lee every day ... that's like 200 miles a day. I got shit on bad from this "kid" that I would do anything for. Also -- my cousin, who lived in Lee, and I were connected at the hip. We had a falling out a year or so ago -- over this guy. But anyways -- Lee became an addiction. I had to go up there. I felt like I was "in". I was cool. See through high school I was fat, no, obese - so I wasn't hot or wanted by anyone. I lost my virginity at 19. Pathetic, I know. It felt so good to be part of something. But I now realize that nothing in Lee will ever change. It's always the same. Nobody has motivation. No one really cares. Through this addiction, as with most any addiction, I lost who I really was. I was being who they wanted me to be. Fuck that. I can't be like that. Something happened -- I started dating people from around here. People older than me!!! Imagine that shit. I don't necessarily regret anything about Lee -- but wish I had caught on sooner. I started going to bars. I saw that people liked me, for who I am. And I realized I'm pretty damn good lookin'.
That's all for now folks. I'm out.

The Beginning.

2004-08-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

Here I am. Starting this thang called a blog. I got this idea from a gentleman I dated.
Venting. That's what I'm looking forward to doing. So I shall begin with, well, the beginning. It all started 22 years ago when my dad got horny. Just kidding .. I won't go THAT far back. Well let us start with my family. I am the youngest of 3 kids. My mother and father are still together, and have been married for 32 years.(I couldn't live with a man for 32 days, let alone years) ANYways -- sounds like a happy little family, right? Well .. I'm gonna throw in autism and deafness into the scheme of things. My sister, who will be 29 in a couple weeks, is Autistic & profoundly deaf. She cannot speak nor hear. She can physically do everything normally, she just can't be alone. She is the epitome of strong. She is 5'2" tall and weighs in at around 150 lbs. She's rock solid. That girl has put her head through more walls, windows, and whatever is around when she's pissed. My brother, who is 25, is deaf. He can hear, only in one ear if he wears a hearing aide. We also think he has Astburger's?? Yeah. So before I could speak, I could sign. That was the main language spoke in my house all while growing up. It's actually awesome .. not that my bro & sis are "special", but the fact that I was brought into it all. That I've been through things -- that a lot of people will never experience. The biggest deal I have -- is that people look at me like I have a disease when I tell them about my family. It's like ... dude don't feel bad ... just learn it's part of me. Ok. My father -- has been in the Army Nat'l guard since '71. He is a 1st Class Sergeant. He rocks. My dad is ultra complicated. I hate him for that. I am everything he is. I'll get into that more a different day. My mother .. she's odd. She is a teacher. She went back to college once we all grew up, got her teaching degree, and teaches. She talks a lot. She is VERY critical. She constantly is trying to make me feel bad about myself. SPEAKING of which, I should mention at this time that from the age of 10 to umm let's see NOW, my brother has mentally & physically abused me. He doesn't physically abuse me since I graduated high school. He used to beat the shit outta me. Not just brother/sister fighting -- just beat on me hard. He hit me so much on my arms, that they are ammune to bruising now. He was so hard on me, that I graduated High School weighing in at 275 pounds. I'm almost 6' tall by the way. Thanks bro. Well .. I moved out, and 2 years later I now weigh like 170 lbs. Which was one feat I'm very proud of. I still have small issues realizing that I'm not fat -- although my brother STILL says I am. Fucker. Ok .. well I'm out for now.