So now you're my mother?

Well this weekend was gay. Friday I hung out with my best guy friend/cousin, Freddie and his girlfriend Hailey. They came to Bangor to hang out with me. BUT I was suppose to be at a birthday party for a friend of mine's at the friggin' bowling alley. An ex of mine ended up going, and I didn't feel like dealing with ALL of that, plus I felt obligated to chill w/my cousin. I did end up stopping in to say Happy Birthday to Matt .. for seriously a minute. Then, on Saturday, was my baby cousin's 1st birthday in Lee. So I went to that .. and ended up having a few drinks, and well, couldn't really drive back down to Bangor to another party that I was suppose to attend. So I had several messages on my machine. A couple which were just retarded and not necessary. Like, "people are asking where you are, and I don't know what to tell them", and "I'd like to know where you are and wish you'd answer your phone" and "I'm worried about you". Fuck off. Like I need to report to you when I'm going to wipe my ass. Maybe I'm just blowing it all out of proportion, but that really burns me when someone's flipping out because I didn't tell them I changed my plans. I don't report to anyone. I'm not 12 years old. I'm fucking 22 and think I can make my own mind up and do what I wish. Moving right along ... I called a guy tonight who I haven't talked to in a few weeks? I just thought of him, picked up the phone, dialed his number .. he answered ... and we talked. Not about anything too important, but we talked. I dated him for a month or so. He's cool as hell. I miss him. More than I'd ever admit. Well I'm out.

Got you all hot and bothered ...

"Goodies" By Ciara

My Goodies, My Goodies, My GoodiesNot my goodies!

You may look at me and think that I'm Just a young girl
But I'm not just a young girl.Baby this is what I'm lookin' for: Sexy, independent, down to spend it type that's gettin' his dough
I'm not bein too dramatic that's the way I gotta have it.

[Chorus]I bet you want the goodies.Bet you thought about it.Got you all hot and bothered.Mayb' cuz I talk about it.Lookin for the goodies Keep on lookin' cuz they stay in the jar Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh

[Verse 2]
Just because you drive a Benz. I'm not goin home with you.
You won't get no nookie or the cookies I'm no rookie. And still I'm Sexy, independent I ain't wit' it so you already know. I'm not bein too dramatic that's the way I gotta have itYou think you're slick Tryna hit But I'm not dumb I'm not bein too dramatic it's just how I gotta have it

[Chorus]

[Verse 4]
You're insinuating that I'm hot But these goodies boy are not Just for any of the many men that's tryna get on top.No you can't call me later And I don't want your number.I'm not changin' stories Just respect the play I'm callin'.
[Chorus (2X)] Uh...Yeah...Uh...Yeah Uh Uh Uh

This song might be kinda shallow to post ... but damn it fits me so well. It's got a hell of a rythym/beat to it ... Petey Pablo is in the remix, but his lyrics don't fit me quite as well. Ya. I heard this in my car today and had to post it. Peace for now. I'm out.

Do You Want It .. ?

I bonded with my father tonight. That only happens like once every other month. I came home from work, and he was all asking me my opinion on what he should do with his truck, and asking me questions about glass and screens(told you I'm a pro),and laughing. I fucking made him laugh. I can't even explain how awesome that makes me feel. You see, my dad is cold. To anyone that knows me ... that's where I get it from. I completely understand him though, like he doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey with me for me to know he loves me. I'm not sure why he's that way. He just brush things off. Keep his cool. Nothing bothers him. I try to be like that -- but something always throws me off. I just don't get the part yet about how I'm suppose deal with really loving someone, who doesn't understand how I work. My best friend, for instance, knows how I am. Knows that I don't get emotional with her. If she tells me something tramatic -- it doesn't faze me, don't blink an eye. I'm like, well, cold. I'm not sure how one's suppose to deal with this. Or if I can make it go away, or if I want to. Hmmm... time will tell.

Jimmy. The son of the owner of the company I work for. I've been suuuper tight with him for like 3 years. His parents got a divorce a couple years ago. He's been in a depression ever since. He was really close with his mother, and she basically threw it all away for some random idiot. So Jimmy doesn't see her, nor does he want to. So -- he's been in and out of my life during his adjustments. In fact, he knew me back when I was fat, and so was he. He lost a shitload of weight, like me, and is ultra skinny now. My point being, he knows me quite well .. pre-hotness. Well, he called me tonight. I love talking to him, I'm so at ease. We just get along so well. We flirt like crazy. I think about what it would be like to take that next step with him. I wonder if he's thinking the same thing. I just want to kiss him one day. To see what's up. Maybe it would ruin EVERYthing. He's such a great person, he deserves the best there is out there for a woman. I'm certainly not it ..

Now what .. ?

The company I work for is going to shit. I'm not sure how much longer I'll have a job there. Every week seems as though they take away another benefit. What the fuck. How am I suppose to get by anywhere else? That's like all I know. I've worked there for 4 friggin' years. The guys I work with are part of my life now. In fact, I've worked so long with all guys, I don't even know if I can work with a woman. Who the hell would want to?? Not I. I'm so scared to apply anywhere else, but it's my only option. My job kicks ass - I can smoke inside the building - swear - leave when I want - wear what I want - trust my co workers - and I'm a pro at what I do. I know so much about freakin' glass it's wrong. Ask me anything --- I dare ya. It's like all I know though, which is why I'm having a problem seeking another job. It's all fucked up. I'll be alright ... I always am.
I'm finally seeing results from working out almost every day at the gym. I'm really excited. I think I'm hooked. On the weekends, I usually don't go ... I feel like shit -- that's a sign that I'm hooked. I love it though, I feel so good about myself, and now I am looking better. All for the low, low price of 22 bucks a month, can't beat that shit. I'd really like to look like a swimsuit model, but that's a goal beyond MY reach. Maybe not -- but I'll stick with the small goals I have now, maybe with time.
I'm wicked excited about this weekend & next weekend -- I'm actually gonna be partying. Fuckin' right. Lately my weekends have been SUPER low key. It's cool though, I spent a lot of "me" time thinkin' shit over & over & over in my head. Quality time spent going insane. Makes sense. Right?
I'm out.

Up to Speed yet...??

I think I gave ya'll enough background to at least get where I'm coming from .. or try to. There is obviously a lot I've left out of my past --- if something's important, I'll bring it up.
Alright, so I'm currently living back in with my 'rents. I had to move back here due to my stupidity with money. It's really cheap rent here. That's the ONLY reason why I'm here. I miss my freedom of living on my own. I lived on my own in Ellsworth for a year. I loved it, aside from the apartment was bug AND bat infested. Three million thumbs down. Then I moved in with my best friend in an apartment in Bangor. Oh YA - forgot to mention my best friend. 3 houses down the road from my house is where she grew up. We have known each other since we were about 3 years old. We decided to move in together.. BIG mistake. I hated her all while living w/her. I just wanted to her to back off me. It's like we're sisters. So living together is not the best arrangement for us. We stuck it out for a year .. and happily moved out. We're still tight though. I love her like a sister. She helps me through a lot.
Camp. In Lee, Maine. Hickville. Where I've spent every summer of my life. Where I lost my virginity and drank my 1st beer. Had my 1st love and lost who I was. I hung out there every summer through school. Just chillin'. I started hanging out with the other kids that lived up there year 'round. But somehow they're all like 2 years behind me. I graduated .. they're still in school. In stead of moving on -- I kept going up there. It started from just in the summertime, to every other weekend, to every weekend all year round, to every day. I fell in love with someone up there who is 3 years younger than me. Dumbass. I was driving from Lee to my work in Ellsworth, back to Lee every day ... that's like 200 miles a day. I got shit on bad from this "kid" that I would do anything for. Also -- my cousin, who lived in Lee, and I were connected at the hip. We had a falling out a year or so ago -- over this guy. But anyways -- Lee became an addiction. I had to go up there. I felt like I was "in". I was cool. See through high school I was fat, no, obese - so I wasn't hot or wanted by anyone. I lost my virginity at 19. Pathetic, I know. It felt so good to be part of something. But I now realize that nothing in Lee will ever change. It's always the same. Nobody has motivation. No one really cares. Through this addiction, as with most any addiction, I lost who I really was. I was being who they wanted me to be. Fuck that. I can't be like that. Something happened -- I started dating people from around here. People older than me!!! Imagine that shit. I don't necessarily regret anything about Lee -- but wish I had caught on sooner. I started going to bars. I saw that people liked me, for who I am. And I realized I'm pretty damn good lookin'.
That's all for now folks. I'm out.

The Beginning.

Here I am. Starting this thang called a blog. I got this idea from a gentleman I dated.
Venting. That's what I'm looking forward to doing. So I shall begin with, well, the beginning. It all started 22 years ago when my dad got horny. Just kidding .. I won't go THAT far back. Well let us start with my family. I am the youngest of 3 kids. My mother and father are still together, and have been married for 32 years.(I couldn't live with a man for 32 days, let alone years) ANYways -- sounds like a happy little family, right? Well .. I'm gonna throw in autism and deafness into the scheme of things. My sister, who will be 29 in a couple weeks, is Autistic & profoundly deaf. She cannot speak nor hear. She can physically do everything normally, she just can't be alone. She is the epitome of strong. She is 5'2" tall and weighs in at around 150 lbs. She's rock solid. That girl has put her head through more walls, windows, and whatever is around when she's pissed. My brother, who is 25, is deaf. He can hear, only in one ear if he wears a hearing aide. We also think he has Astburger's?? Yeah. So before I could speak, I could sign. That was the main language spoke in my house all while growing up. It's actually awesome .. not that my bro & sis are "special", but the fact that I was brought into it all. That I've been through things -- that a lot of people will never experience. The biggest deal I have -- is that people look at me like I have a disease when I tell them about my family. It's like ... dude don't feel bad ... just learn it's part of me. Ok. My father -- has been in the Army Nat'l guard since '71. He is a 1st Class Sergeant. He rocks. My dad is ultra complicated. I hate him for that. I am everything he is. I'll get into that more a different day. My mother .. she's odd. She is a teacher. She went back to college once we all grew up, got her teaching degree, and teaches. She talks a lot. She is VERY critical. She constantly is trying to make me feel bad about myself. SPEAKING of which, I should mention at this time that from the age of 10 to umm let's see NOW, my brother has mentally & physically abused me. He doesn't physically abuse me since I graduated high school. He used to beat the shit outta me. Not just brother/sister fighting -- just beat on me hard. He hit me so much on my arms, that they are ammune to bruising now. He was so hard on me, that I graduated High School weighing in at 275 pounds. I'm almost 6' tall by the way. Thanks bro. Well .. I moved out, and 2 years later I now weigh like 170 lbs. Which was one feat I'm very proud of. I still have small issues realizing that I'm not fat -- although my brother STILL says I am. Fucker. Ok .. well I'm out for now.